Sunday, March 20, 2011

Captain Atom: Armageddon #1 (December, 2005)

"Not long ago..." Mr. Majestic stabbed Spartan with a sword, and pink energy exploded. They were calling each other by their first names like good little X-Men clones, and Spartan was asking to be stabbed, and something something Void something something annihilation and scene. This was all very gay, both in tongue-in-cheek misread subtext, and as juvenile derogatory for a bunch of obtuse crap that's meaningless to anyone but the most devout Wildstorm geek.

"Not long ago..." Captain Atom volunteered to fly a giant composite Superman/Batman robot away from Earth into a soon-to-collide kryptonite asteroid that would otherwise exploded our planet into itty bitty bits. This wasn't as gay, even though Captain Atom pictured himself in tighty whities while thinking about "another cockpit" before getting swallowed by the head of a metal penis. The artist was lazy enough to cut and paste that happening twice. Also lazy was the wimpy two page look at Captain Atom's Post-Crisis incarnation before blowing himself up to escape a lousy Jeph Loeb plot thread.

"Hell. Better pay attention. I've got a job to do. Goodbye. And God bless America."

A bald Captain Atom appeared for a moment in front of Superman and Batman, sometime after his funeral, probably to pay off a teased return that wasn't properly thought through. He then was transported to the Wildstorm comic book universe, where he flew uncontrollably into a building like a missile.

An EMT tried to help an old man who giddily anticipated his death by super-hero collision. The EMT got a splinter of pink Void energy in her paw. Captain Atom got a "new" costume that was on loan from his brief appearance in Kingdom Come. The EMT ran away in fear of the super-human, because a) you would too if some dude knocked over your building, and b) everyone on Wildstorm Earth was afraid of super-humans, because that kind of bloodletting happened all the damned time there. Mr. Majestic then showed up to start punching Captain Atom.

Grifter was in a bar, drinking to the memory of his dead robot friend who got stabbed to death at the beginning of this synopsis. He got excited when he saw the stabber fighting on the TV.

Captain Atom took some blows, then decided to show how tough he was by pounding Mr. Majestic into the ground. Atom thought he was being heroic, but all the bystanders were still afraid of him, even after he explained that he was a super-hero. You see, Wildstorm is a dark, hardcore universe where puny humans are always caught between gory battles and political upheavals, while DC is a bright, happy universe where super-heroes' wives get sodomized and their kids murdered and whole cities razed but everyone still loves super-heroes anyway.

"A Scream Across The Sky" was by Will Pfeifer, Giuseppe Camuncoli and Sandra Hope.

Homage Studios Sunday


mathematicscore said...

"...before blowing himself up to escape a lousy Jeph Loeb plot thread"


Diabolu said...

Bit of a redundancy though. :)